


teach me how to have some fun (and maybe a little math)

by meathermac



Category: NADDPOD - Fandom, Not Another D&D Podcast (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, F/M, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, everyone is aged down on a scale, listen, melora forgive me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-02
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:08:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,941
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23957416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meathermac/pseuds/meathermac
Summary: imagine a world where the fight with thiala wasn't looming on the horizon, without akarot, without any of the horrible things that have plagued bahumia. keep the drama, keep the cast, keep the rest.now scale it down, add in class schedules and teenage angst, and you have this.oh, gods. this ain't gonna go well.
Relationships: Alanis/Moonshine Cybin (Not Another D&D Podcast), Erlin Kindleaf/Beverly Toegold V, Gemma Bronzebeard/Hardwon Surefoot, Jaina Bronzebeard/Moonshine Cybin, Moonshine Cybin & Hardwon Surefoot & Beverly Toegold V
Comments: 19
Kudos: 56





	1. welcome to bahumia

**Author's Note:**

> so i... yeah. this is here now. 
> 
> apparently the main type of fanfic in this community is character study, which is AMAZING, and please never stop, but i'm. not. i'm not good at character study? so here we are. 
> 
> everyone is aged down on a scale that i saw fit to a high school setting, which does mean that 90% of the characters in this fic are minors because uhhh. high school. 
> 
> couple other notes, i didn't feel like converting religions so you've still got all of the canon bahumia gods, and generally the bad guys are still the bad guys just plus some nonmagical alterations to their stories. 
> 
> yeah. just,,,, just take it. have fun, y'all!!

Bahumia Senior High School is a weird school. 

No, no, weird is an understatement, it’s  _ fucked _ ; it’s known for fights and scandals and teachers who are just a step to the left of evil; it’s known for school dances where the decor catches fire and parties where people have been nearly murdered and most of all it’s known for the  _ students _ , who are dramatic and insane. 

At least, that’s what the middle schoolers say when they spread their rumors, they tell anyone who wants to go there that they’re gonna die because everyone’s crazy there, and the kids who are going there clutch their books to their chest and pray that the rumors aren’t true. 

_ They _ are _ true, for the most part _ , Moonshine thinks to herself as she chugs an iced coffee in the parking lot of Bahumia High.  _ But Thiala totally deserved it when she got pushed off a balcony at Ulfgar’s house party.  _

“Yo, Moony,” her best friend, Hardwon, calls. His name’s Elias, but everyone calls him Hardwon--it’s just one of those things. 

She throws up a peace sign and drinks the rest of her coffee before tossing it into a nearby trash can. “Hey, Hardwon. Welcome back to hell.” 

They do a quick secret handshake--because of course--before he responds, “You know, it’s not so bad being back here. Summer’s lame sometimes.” 

Moonshine laughs. “Ain’t that the truth. Meemaw and I were out all summer doing gardenin’ at the Crick, and it was hot and loud and borin’. Love her to death, but I’d also love to do a normal sort of job one of these days.” 

“I mean, I got to see my mom again. So…” Hardwon trails off, and she gives him a quick one-armed hug. “Thanks, Moony. I miss her, but I think she’s gonna be out soon. I have hope.” 

“That’s good!” she says encouragingly. “It’s really good to have hope. Tell Lydia I say hey the next time you get to see her.”

He smiles. “Yeah, yeah, and I’ll leave out the part where you talk about how hot she is.” 

Moonshine hip-checks him and they both laugh, starting to walk into the elaborate halls of Bahumia High for their junior year of high school. 

On the opposite side of the school, the freshmen gather awkwardly for orientation and Beverly Toegold the Fifth fends off texts from his mom and dad while he glances around for his best friend from middle school. His parents both ask him questions upon questions about what school’s like and what everything looks like, and eventually he puts his phone on silent and focuses solely on finding his friends, who, thankfully, are all going to this weird high school with him. 

He leans back against the wall, trying vaguely to look cool when his best friend Erlin runs up to him and hugs him tightly. Even though he can feel the other students’ eyes on him, Beverly hugs him back and asks, “Ready for our first day of high school?”

Erlin grins widely. “So ready, dude. This school is  _ wild. _ ”

“I heard that someone got pushed off a balcony at a party last year!” someone else pipes up, and Beverly turns to see his other two closest friends, Cran and Derlin, approaching. Cran snickers at the shocked look on Erlin’s face, and says, “Doesn’t your sister go here? You’ve gotta have heard about some of this stuff?” 

He rolls his eyes and hits Cran on the shoulder lightly. “Egwene doesn’t tell me  _ anything. _ ”

“Someone got pushed off a balcony?” Beverly asks, trying to steer the conversation back on topic. 

She nods and leans in to whisper conspiratorially. “Do you remember Thiala?” All three boys look at her with awe, and Cran continues, satisfied. “She and her best friend Alanis got into a fight at a house party last year and some sophomores got involved, and Thiala ended up getting shoved off of a second-floor balcony. It’s supposedly a huge deal because she doesn’t remember who actually pushed her, and no one knows who the sophomores were--” 

They’re interrupted by a senior clearing his throat and saying, “A- _ hem, _ ” and they all quiet down to listen to the orientation. 

After they’re all sent off to classes for the day, Beverly and his friends check schedules against one another and discover, unfortunately, that they don’t have any lunches together, and Bev only has one class with Erlin. It’s disappointing, but he manages to convince himself it’s not the end of the world right up until it’s lunch on his first day of high school and he’s staring at a cafeteria full of people that he doesn’t know at all. 

He distracts himself on his phone and tries to stay out of the way, mumbling apologies to everyone who walks by him and trying to straighten his back so he looks taller than he is--really, it’s a curse, being 4’11”. Most people don’t even seem to notice him, right up until Beverly turns around for a second and ends up running into a much taller and more muscular guy in front of him. 

The guy seems to be either a junior or a senior, and judging from Beverly’s point of view he’s around 7 feet tall. He’s got a girl on his arm who’s smiling wide, and he just laughs and says, “Woah, sorry there, kid. Hallways get crowded fast here.” 

“I’m sorry, I should have gotten out of your way, I wasn’t paying enough attention, I’m so sorry--” Bev says quickly, though he’s cut off by the girl placing a comforting hand on his shoulder. 

“Youngin’, what in Melora’s name are you apologizin’ for?” She grins and unlinks her arm from the boy’s. “You’re just standin’ there lookin’ like a deer in headlights, terrified of all these older folk walkin’ ‘round ya. It’s Elias’ fault, don’t you worry, he’s so caught up in his own head he wouldn’t even notice if he was talkin’ to a brick wall.” 

Beverly sighs a bit in relief, though his shoulders are still tense. “Thanks. I’m, uh, I’m sorry for making you guys stand here, you can go ahead, you didn’t even need to apologize.” 

The girl clicks her tongue and looks up at the boy--Elias?--who just shrugs and runs a hand through his hair. “That just won’t do, youngin’. We’re sorry for gettin’ in your way, it’s awful rude of us older folk to ignore y’all young ones like that. Come on, come sit with us, we’ll make it up to you.” 

Elias nods sagely. “Seriously, kid, Moonshine here makes the best goddamn jambalaya you’ve ever tasted. Besides, you don’t look like you’ve got anyone else to sit with.”

Beverly bristles slightly and the girl--who must be Moonshine, he thinks--whacks her friend upside the head. “Don’t be like that, Hardwon, when you were a freshman you used to sit behind the vendin’ machine and hide from everyone else. Glass houses and stones don’t mix.” 

The guy flushes, and Moonshine takes that opportunity to grab hold of Beverly’s arm and drag him towards a table in the center of the cafeteria. She sits him down, then takes a seat across from him and starts rummaging through her messenger bag before pulling out a Tupperware full of jambalaya. She pushes it towards him and hands him a plastic fork as well as the guy--Hardwon, possibly? Elias?--sits down next to her and begins scrolling through his cellphone. Beverly cautiously opens the Tupperware and takes a bite, and-- 

“Oh my  _ gosh _ , this is delicious!” he says, and Moonshine looks utterly pleased. She smiles at him and nudges the boy with her elbow, who nods and gives her a strangely crooked thumbs-up. 

“Thank you, youngin’. It’s my ma’s recipe, can’t go wrong with it.” She props her head up on her hands and tilts it to the side. “So what’s your name, youngin’?”

He swallows and responds, “Uh, Beverly. Beverly Toegold the uh, the Fifth.” 

“The Fifth? Mighty big family you got there, youngin’.” She laughs, and it’s such a contagious laugh that he can’t help but giggle as well. “Well, my name is Moonshine Cybin, and this boy right here is Elias Stormborn, also known as Hardwon Surefoot, also known as a pain in my ass.” 

Hardwon snorts. “Love you too, Moony.” 

Moonshine waves him off and turns back to Beverly. “So, you’re a freshman, right? How many rumors have ya heard ‘bout this fine school so far? I love hearin’ what’s been going ‘round recently.” 

“Um, well, my friend Cran was telling me about a--a party last year where someone got, er, pushed off a balcony? And like, they almost died?” he says nervously, and much to his surprise, Moonshine simply laughs and knocks her shoulder into Hardwon’s. 

“You hear that, Hardwon? They’re still talkin’ ‘bout us nearly killin’ Thiala.” She grins. “So, my dear friend Hardwon here and I are juniors this year, so when we were sophomores we went to that party everyone was talkin’ up last year and some shit went down--I honestly don’t remember that much, I was hammered.” 

Beverly’s eyes widen as he looks in wonder at Moonshine and Hardwon. “You guys are so cool!” 

“Thanks, kid,” Hardwon says with an awkward wink. “We like to get up in shit we shouldn’t be up in.”

“It’s a talent,” Moonshine agrees. “Anything else you’d like to hear about? Nine outta ten times, if you heard about somethin’, it’s true and Hardwon and I were there.” 

He looks up at her in amazement. "For real?"

Hardown leans back in his chair (which is strange, because he’s sitting on a stool) and grins at Beverly. "Yup. Moony here is infamous at this school.”

She blushes and looks down, mumbling "I’m not  _ infamous _ ,” as he looks at her expectantly. Hardwon kicks Beverly's foot under the table and mouths "yes, she is" and his eyes widen to the size of dinner plates. Moonshine clocks this, and, with a roll of her eyes, says "Sure. Alright. But it's more that people will point at me and whisper in the hallways and less of a murder-y way."

He leans across the table and whispers conspiratorially to Beverly, "She made out with Alanis at a party last year. They almost  _ dated _ .” 

“Hardwon, that ain’t somethin’ I need to be goin’ round and braggin’ ‘bout.” Moonshine shoves his shoulder, and he just laughs. “Alanis is pretty an’ smart and all that, but she’s a person all the same, ya weirdo.” 

“Alanis? She’s like, a legend!” Beverly exclaims. “Her, and, uh, and Thiala, and Ulfgar. They’re so cool! Alanis is, like, super smart, and Thiala is always so nice, and Ulfgar is so strong and stuff…” He sighs almost dreamily. “I can’t imagine what they’re like in real life.” 

Moonshine snorts and says, “Well, to put it bluntly, they kind of suck, youngin’.” She pats his hand kindly. “Alanis is real nice, but she’s a bit of a stoner. Ulfgar is strong, and that is cool, but he’s really just a jock who did good at some stuff. Alanis and Ulfgar are good people, though, I’ll give them that.” 

He tilts his head to the side. “What about Thiala?” 

“Thiala?” She laughs. “Thiala is a capital-B Bitch.” 

“But she always seemed so nice and strong!” Beverly cries, and Moonshine shakes her head. “We--we both went to the same church!”

Hardwon shoves a large bite of jambalaya into his mouth and says, “Thiala fucking  _ sucks _ , dude,” which causes a very neatly dressed young man sitting beind them to turn around and scoff. 

“Thiala has been nothing but kind to you two! She simply believes that this school would be better without some… unsavory folk,” he sneers, and Hardwon groans dramatically. 

“ _ Fuck _ you, Rosell. Fuck you and fuck Thiala, while we’re at it,” he replies, “And fuck your stupid church club, and--” 

“ _ Hardwon. _ ” Moonshine says firmly, and he huffs and turns his back on who Beverly now realizes is Galad Rosell. 

Beverly shrinks a little in his seat--he can’t tell what’s true, he doesn’t know whether or not to believe Moonshine and Hardwon, but they seem so  _ nice _ \--and taps away at a message to the group chat he shares with Erlin, Cran, and Derlin. 

Moonshine watches the kid as he bows his head uncomfortably, and she sighs. “Youngin’, never meet your heroes. They’re either goin’ to be horribly rude or they’re not gonna be as good at neckin’ as you thought, and both of those are real disappointing.”

“So you and Alanis aren’t--?” 

She laughs, throwing her head back. “Oh, Melora, no we are  _ not _ . Didja not catch the part where I said she wasn’t nearly as good at neckin’ as I thought she was gonna be?”

“Sorry, Moonshine,” Beverly apologizes. “It’s--this school--I don’t know. I don’t know what’s going on at this school.” 

Hardwon nods sagely. “Yeah. That feeling doesn’t go away.” The bell rings, and Moonshine rolls her eyes and shares a look with Hardwon. He turns to Bev and says, “What class you got next, Beverly?” 

“Um… I think… I think it’s Earth Science.” 

“We’ll walk you to class,” he says, standing up. “Come on.” 

Moonshine grins and holds her hand out to the younger boy. “And you’re welcome to eat with us whenever you’ve got the time!” 

It turns out he has the time extremely often--every school day, oddly enough. Not having any lunches with any of his friends means that Beverly’s not got anywhere else to sit, and soon enough he’s part of Moonshine and Hardwon’s little group just the same. 


	2. the coffeeshop saga

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> our heroes venture out to the local coffee shop and face struggles such as accidental heteronormativity, the problem with your friend not texting you back, and frogs who may or may not be able to set things on fire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof it's. been a little while, huh? 
> 
> whatever. we're here now, and here's the chapter, etc, etc. enjoy!!!!

It’s two weeks later when he finishes his last class of the day and opens his phone to a barrage of texts from Moonshine, most of which are completely unintelligible, but those that he can read are asking him if he wants to come grab coffee with them after school, with a note after it saying that if his parents are worried, she promises that her and Hardwon aren’t kidnappers. 

Beverly laughs a little and pockets his phone, starting to walk to the parking lot where Moonshine said she’d be waiting. As he makes his way through the crowded halls, he can hear someone calling his name, and Beverly turns around only to be promptly tackled in a hug by his best friend. 

“Dude, I feel like I haven’t seen you in  _ forever _ ,” Erlin says, burying his face in the crook of Beverly’s neck.

“We have class together on Wednesdays and Fridays!” he says, laughing. “It’s been like, two days!”

He grins, starting to walk down the hallway. “Come on, dude. Do you want to hang out? Egwene’s got stuff to do, so we can’t go to my house, but we could always hang out at your house.” 

Bev starts to say  _ yeah, I’d love to _ , but he quickly remembers he’d promised Moonshine and Hardwon that he’d get coffee with them, and he says, “I--I can’t, Erlin. I’m getting coffee with my friends today.” 

“Oh!” Erlin tries to disguise the hurt on his face, but they’ve been friends since they were little. He can see right through it. “Yeah, uh, that’s fine. Have fun, dude.” 

“We can hang out this weekend!” Beverly reassures him. 

“Yeah, of course, dude. See you tomorrow.” He gives Beverly a quick hug and walks off in the other direction. 

“See you!” he calls. Erlin doesn’t respond, but he can’t blame him. They’ve not been spending a ton of time together recently, and Beverly feels bad. Hardwon and Moonshine are great, but he misses his best friends. They were practically inseparable for years; he loves them, and just because he can’t explain the strange, warm, bubbly feeling he’s been getting whenever he talks to or touches Erlin the past year or so doesn’t mean he doesn’t adore him. They’re best friends! 

But he loves spending time with Hardwon and Moonshine. They’re kind and witty in a way he’s never really seen before, let alone been a part of. The two of them are nothing but friendly in a way that seems so  _ foreign  _ to Beverly and so natural to them. 

When he gets to the parking lot, he sees Moonshine sitting on the front of a car he assumes must be hers chatting with a short, red-haired girl with an undercut and a taller black girl with glasses and dreadlocks tied back in a ponytail. Hardwon is standing off to the side awkwardly, and as Beverly gets closer, he realizes that he’s decidedly avoiding the shorter girl that Moonshine is talking to. He makes a mental note to ask them later and says, “Hi, guys! Uh, I don’t know you, but I’m Beverly Toegold the Fifth.” He holds his hand out to the taller one, who laughs and shakes it. 

“You know who I am,” she says lazily, taking a drag of… something. “You just don’t recognize me nowadays.”

Moonshine elbows her and turns to Beverly. “This is Jaina Bronzebeard,” she points to the short girl, who nods, “and this her highness, Alanis.” 

“Nice pun.” Alanis grins at Beverly, who’s gone completely slack-jawed. “Nice to meet you, kiddo. You a freshman?” 

“Uh.” 

“You’re gonna freak him out, Alanis,” Jaina grumbles. “Moony, you all headed out?”

Moonshine nods and slides off the hood of her car. “Yeah. Bev, you get the backseat. Hardwon, stop tryin’ to burn a hole in the ground with your eyes and get in the car.” 

Jaina stands up on the tip of her toes and gives Moonshine a kiss on the cheek, and Alanis gives the three of them a joking salute before the two girls walk away. Hardwon shuffles awkwardly towards the car and she just rolls her eyes and says, “Hardwon, she doesn’t hate you.” 

“She should,” he mutters. 

Beverly has no idea what they’re talking about, but he’s fairly certain it’s none of his business. 

When they reach the coffeeshop Moonshine insisted was ‘the best goddamn coffee in this Melora-forsaken town’, he tapped out a quick apology to Erlin for ditching him and a reminder for his mom that he was gonna be out with friends. Moonshine and Hardwon were chatting about some teacher they both had, and he tried his best to nod along with them as they complained about her grading system and the fact that she clearly hated Moonshine, but Beverly kept looking at his phone and then back to the two of them because he was  _ really _ scared that Erlin was mad at him. 

“Earth to Beverly? Youngin’, what in the world has got you so distracted?” Moonshine clicks her tongue as she pulls him out of the line and over to a table in the corner of the shop. “Hardwon knows what I want here, and you can order in a second. What’s goin’ on?” 

“Nothing!” he says, but it sounds like a lie even to him. Moonshine just leans back in her chair and looks at him, tilting her head in concern. “Well, okay, my other friend--my best friend, sorry Moonshine--” 

“I ain’t offended.” 

He smiles a little at that. “My best friend, his name’s Erlin, he asked me if we could hang out today after school and I said--no? ‘Cause I’d already told you guys I’d go out to the coffeeshop today, and now I think--he’s mad at me? And it’s kind of freaking me out.” 

Moonshine folds her arms across the table and nods thoughtfully. “I think he’s just a bit jealous, Bev. This is that friend you’ve known since you were even littler, yeah?” 

“Yeah.” 

“I don’t think he’s mad, youngin’. Next time, tell him he’s welcome to come with ya.” She smiles at him as Hardwon walks over, carrying three coffee cups which he plunks down on the table with a glare thrown in Moonshine’s direction. “Any friend of yours is a friend of Hardwon and I’s.” 

Hardwon rolls his eyes and pushes the iced coffee towards her. “There are some regulations on that, Moony.”

“Shut the hell up, I’m tryin’a be nice.” 

Beverly laughs a little at that, and the conversation drifts on without him.

*

Moonshine knows that something’s up with this kid. But she’s not a therapist, and she ain’t his mom, so she’s not gonna try and fix him aside from giving him some coffee and a friendly face. 

It’s a little strange, she thinks, that her and Hardwon have all but adopted this freshman, but there are worse things they’ve done and worse things they will do. In the grand scheme of things, who really gives a shit? 

“Oh, Hardwon, I’ve been meanin’ to tell you, I can’t come over next weekend,” she says, and he just sighs. 

“Date with Jaina?” Hardwon asks, and his voice is bitter and sad. “That’s alright.” 

Moonshine smiles at him apologetically. “Well, it’s half trainin’ with Meemaw and half date with Jaina. You’re welcome to come help Meemaw and I out.” 

He laughs loudly and Beverly looks up from his phone. “You know what, Moony, I think I’ll skip the training. Have fun.” 

“Training?” Beverly asks, tilting his head to the side. “What are you training for?” 

“Moonshine’s mom is a hippie,” Hardwon replies, earning him a smack on the shoulder from her. “What? You call her a hippie all the time!”

She rolls her eyes. “I’m allowed to say it ‘cause she’s my Meemaw, idiot. Anyways, Bev, my mom’s teachin’ me how to garden and all that stuff. We grow mushrooms and other plants, it’s a whole thing down by the Crick.” 

“I’m not allowed down by the Crick,” he muses, “My parents say it’s too dangerous.” 

“It’s all mushrooms and people like me.” Moonshine chugs the rest of her coffee and then slams it down on the table. “I think I’m the hottest girl there though, and I’ve got a girlfriend, so I wouldn’t go lookin’ for someone to date.” 

Hardwon sputters, saying something about “one time”. She grins at Beverly, ignoring her best friend’s incoherent muttering next to her. 

He flushes, his dark skin going red, and bows his head. Moonshine snorts and reaches out to pat Beverly on the shoulder. “Or, even if you’re into guys or both or neither, I still wouldn’t recommend it. It’s real nice down where I live though; tell your parents it’s only dangerous if they’re scared’a frogs.”

“Holy  _ shit _ , yeah, there are so many frogs down there,” Hardwon confirms. “Like, the Crick has more frogs than people, and the frogs are  _ like  _ people, I swear they live with the humans sometimes.” 

Beverly is still looking down at the table, ignoring Hardwon’s frog rant. He seems to have gone more red since Moonshine made the comment about if he wasn’t straight, and she feels a little bad. “Hey, Bev?”

“Yeah?”

“It’s alright if you like guys, you know,” she says, and Hardwon goes quiet, thank gods. “I’ve got a girlfriend. I near dated Alanis. Ain’t nobody ‘round this school gonna give you hell for being gay, Beverly.” 

He nods, biting his lip. “Yeah. Thanks, Moonshine.” 

“Anytime, youngin’.” 

The three of them are silent for a while, the air hanging heavy around them. Hardwon looks between the other two, then decides it’s safe to talk again, and resumes his rant on the frogs down by the Crick. “Honestly, I swear some of them can talk. And I’m pretty sure I watched one of those frogs set a  _ fire _ once, and that’s not even a joke.” 

Moonshine throws her head back with a laugh, and the heaviness evaporates. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!!! hope you enjoyed!!!
> 
> if you did, leave a comment, kudos, or follow me on tumblr or twitter [@mydicegotcursed]!!!

**Author's Note:**

> lichen, commerce, and scribble!!! love y'all!!! (also, random note in case they see this: thanks klstarre/kestrel for encouraging me. you rock, kes!)
> 
> thank you for reading this monstrosity, i really appreciate it!!! i hope you guys liked it and want more, because you're uh. you're getting more whether you like it or not
> 
> follow me on tumblr and twitter [@mydicegotcursed]!! love you!!!!!


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